I had a dream last night, and it made me realize a bunch of things. I am putting the relationship first, I am trying to be patient and understanding and take the time it takes so it takes less time. Today, when I was watering the horses, I was watching Brizzee, and I thought back on my dream, and she is literally a mess. Here's why:
Every since she was born she knew only one man. He was heavy handed, lead her from point A to point B, and did everything the old "cowboy way". For eleven years she put up with this. It didn't matter what mood she was in, nothing mattered. It didn't matter if she was scared to death, or didn't want to do it, he MADE her do it. She never had to look for a leader because he made her do things, she didn't have a choice. She tried to get out of it, but he just got very firm with her. (I dreamed about that last night...sad)
And then, eleven years later, this red head girl comes along, takes her away from everything sh'es ever known, and gives her a choice about stuff. In the beginning, I was terrified of Brizzee. She ran over the top of me, pulled behind me, bolted in front of me, it was chaos. I made up any and every excuse possible so I wouldn't have to go out there. She'd see me come and she'd turn around, lay her ears back. I'd groom her, she'd move, she moved her feet, she hated me.
And then after we moved, it got a little better. Then one day, I just went outside and EVERYTHING clicked. I don't know what I did (which is bad) or what she did, but something happened sometime last summer. Everything was going really good until November. She looks at me, comes up to me, tries really hard, but now I ask her to do something new, she gets unconfident. I spend Undemanding time with her, she gets unconfident, and many other things.
I think she's just a mess. Maybe she realized on Thanksgiving when she stood over me when we were playing at Liberty that everything is different. She has a choice, and she was BEGINNING to look at me as a leader. Maybe she got unconfident because of that. I am introducing her to new things, and she doesn't know what to do. Should she be confident, unconfident, look to me, look to the other horses?
Safety, comfort, play, food. We had all of those last year, and now we're back at safety. We play the circling Game, she pulls me towards the horses, so we go there, then she pulls away, we go there, then she pulls this way and that way, and then she gets unconfident. I sit down and do Undemanding time with her, she gets unconfident. I think she just really doesn't know what to think or what to do.
Maybe that's why I'm so stuck...? There's all these "strategies" of how to play with different horsenalities, but what about a horse that doesn't know where it is? Doesn't know what to think? Whatever I did last year somehow it clicked, but maybe Brizzee was a little more sure of where she was at, and what she was doing, and then when she stood over me in the round pen, maybe different emotions went through her, and she got lost?
I'm going through that right now. Last week I wanted to have a ranch and help horses, then I wanted to be a horse trainer, then this and that, and right now I want to be an actress and writer (I've wanted to be a writer every since I can remember, and techniqually I am, cause I write, my books just haven't gotten published yet). I don't really know what I want to do, where I belong, what I should do...I'm just kinda lost and a mess. I don't know what to think, or what to do. I try to please people, but then I just get more lost. I go to restuarants or the store, and I keep my head down, going "catatonic". I can't see people, so I'm okay. But I can hear everything that's going on. If my head is down, I'm pretty okay...other then the fact that I'm terrified of getting sick, or embarrasing myself. And then a guy walks by and I try to hide between my mom and the aisle, or else I'll just start walking really fast away, trying to escape; FLIGHT! And we have the Level 1 pack, Level 2 pack, Success Series, Patterns, Liberty and Horse Behaviour, and I'm like: Which one do I do? Where do I start?
I am lost like Brizzee, I don't really know who I am, what I am, what I want to be, and it changes from day to day, I'm lost. And maybe Brizzee is feeling that way. Maybe she's lost too, doesn't know what to think, what she is, or what to do. Everything is different, and she's changing.
Or maybe it's something totally different, maybe she's just bored, but when I do try to introduce her to new things, she gets unconfident. So I don't know. Everything was going really good there for a long time, and now it feels like we're going back to the beginning, except it's more of a challenge! Even playing the Seven Games now, it's different. She gets unconfident with the Circling Game, pulls me here there, and then she comes into me. I say; Hi! I pet her, and then send her out again, and so forth. I have to wiggle the rope a lot more then I used to, and when I play the Porcupine and Driving Game, she moves her WHOLE body. I was so proud of her last year because she used to be so stiff, and had to move her whole body, but then she started moving different parts of her body, and she really tried, so I was proud of her. And now we're right back at the beginning.
Maybe this feels so challenging to me because it's like Brizzee is me. And I don't know what I need to do for me, so how am I supposed to know what I need to do for her? I want to play with her so badly and try to figure this out, but what if I screw up big time and ruin whatever we had more? I need to have a strategy, a plan, but what? And maybe it's me? Maybe she lost her unconfidence in me as her leader, but what do I do to earn it back? Undemanding time doesn't seem to work, so what do/can I do to earn her trust in me again, and then her trust in me as a leader if that's the case?
I told my mom last night that I'm going to go back to the beginning and think; "Okay, I've never done this program and I'm goign to start it." But she didn't think I should do. She said that I should probably progress to something new, but when I did that Brizzee got unconfident and wouldn't even try! Maybe I'm asking her wrong, maybe I need to figure out a new strategy, I don't know. But we are a team (least we were last year) and no matter what, I am not going to give up on her...
Hey, I just thought of something. Maybe she's the opposite of all the other horses? She gets unconfident when I spend Undemanding time with her and focus on the Relationship...so maybe I shoudl do the opposite and not focus on the relationship?...Nah, that doesn't sound right. I don't know, but maybe I'll have another dream tonight!
One thing is for certain, I'm never going to give up on her, I'm going to figure this out...sometime. Why does my first horse have to be so..."complicated". lol. I'd love to see what Pat and Linda would say about her. She used to fit into the Left Brain Introvert category, but the more I study the Liberty and Horse Behavior, and the more I study her, I don't think she belongs anywhere on the Horsenality chart. My mom has a mustang, and he's all over the charts and mom says he's challenging...but at least he's on the chart.
Well, hopefully I'll figure it out sometime. Tomorrow is supposed to be really crappy, but then Monday should hopefully be clearing up, maybe I'll go and play with her then, and experiment. I'll start at the very beginning, and depending on how it goes, on the next play session we might do some stuff that we've never done before, and if she gets unconfident, hopefully I can figure out what to do. :-)
Savvy On,
~Randa~ & ~Brizzee~
PS. I think the next time I get a horse I want it to be a foal, so it won't have so much background. LOL!
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