Tell me, why can't I just crawl in a hole and disappear? I hate life. I really hate life. It sucks. You have to live through it, somehow, you ahve to somehow live through all the economics, everything it throws at you, death, and everything else only to die, what's the purpose? Why do you have to put a smile on your face and act like everything is okay, when it is isn't? I don't want to take care of the horses. I don't want to be here tomorrow! I don't want to have dress all nice, put make-up on my face and be all smiles for our friends' family to come down. I don't know them, I don't want to get to know them. I just want to cry. I'm tired of all this.
Sometimes, I feel so alone. WHo can I talk to? I can't talk to my mom or any other of my family because then they will just get upset, and how can I talk and get ALL my feelings out without them interrupting? And afterwards I know I'm going to get the "I know, but you should..." or "Trust me, Randa, I know and in time..." Blah, blah, blah. I want to know what other people are going through, too, but I don't wnat them to give me advice on what I should or shoudlnt' do. After all, what is right during this greiving stage? Is there a right way to handle it, or wrong?
Going into denial is not a right way, I'm sure, but it seems to be the one that's finding me; it's almost as if I deny it and ignore it, that means it didn't happen. But it did happen. My brother is gone. There is nothign I can do about it...
I jsut want to crawl in a hole and die for a while. I want to be away from the world for a while. Sometimes I escape out to my horse or Half Pint, since she was originally for Wes's kids, but they see me and leave. I'm sure my horse is really liking me right now from not doing anything with her for a few months, so I guess I can't blame her. Even the animals leave me, though. Sometiems I feel so alone. I also don't want to talk to my family because I don't want them to get upset even more, too. My sister and Wes were really close, that won't be fair to her.
Nights like these I just want to crawl in a hole and disappear from the world...why can't I do that? Sometimes I wonder about escaping too, running away to somehwere new, but will that help anything? Willa ll my fears just be left in the dust behind me? Life sucks. Tomorrow sucks. Isn't it bad enough that it'll be a month since my brother died, why do they have to come over? I hate this, I hate life, I hate everything!
I needed to vent...
3 comments:
I kind of understand. My uncle died a year and a half ago. He was also my god-father. My great grandma is slowly dying of an incurable cancer. My other great grandma is dying and so is my other one. The economy sucks and my dad and grandpa's construction business doesn't have any jobs till spring. The mill shop is doing OK, Thank God, but the shop isn't... It's forced me to grow up quickly. I went from a sweet and optimistic 12 year old to a somber, pessimistic, stressed out 13/14 year old with an attitude. Yes, sometimes I want to crawl into a hole and die but I learned through an attitude ridden horse to walk past it and that it was time to move on. But you still need to grieve. You'll be looking back in a year or two and say "Life definitely has a better outlook" and you'll also learn how to accept death. My aunt (the dead uncle's spouse) is still grieving. She cries at the slightest things. What do you say when things like that happen? That they're in a better place? I know I didn't want to hear that! People just don't understand. Sometimes all you need is a shoulder to lean and cry on, and someone to talk to. Is that to much to ask? I learned that animals have the best shoulder to cry and lean on and have the best listening ears ever. Plus your secrets are safe with them. Hear is a tip that should help you a lot, it helped me. PRAY, READ YOUR BIBLE!!!! God listens and NEVER forsakes you. Go outside with your animals in a quiet spot and pour out your heart to him. He'll slowly heal it. Hear are a couple of books that you may find comforting and a blog you should check out~
Bridge called Hope by Kim Meeder (AMAZING lady. Her dad murdered her mom and then committed suicide when she was 8 or 9)
Hope Rising by Kim Meeder
http://hopescancerdiary.blogspot.com/
and
http://alittlehopeeveryday.blogspot.com/
Hope I helped a little! If you need someone to talk to my email is~
ltm1996@gmail.com
and my savvyclub username is~
sonnyandlauren
~Lauren, Sonny, and Toby
trying to change the world one moment at a time...
Thanks Lauren. I'm really sorry about your uncle...I know that doesn't quite sound right. I know there are people that say; "Oh,I'm so sorry about your brother." or "I'm so sorry about your uncle/parents/grandparents, etc." And what do you say to that?--"Thank you"? I am starting to read in my Bible, and that helps a little bit. I just need to find a way to open up my heart further to Him I guess. I do beleive in God, but I guess I just don't know how to open up my heart and truly let him in. I do pray a lot, but sometimes I'm just so tired I don't feel like it... I will definitely read those books you suggested. My mom is reading a book right now about surviving suicide, so after she finishes reading it I hope I will read it.
I guess Wes wrote a note before he did it, but who knows if his wife will let us read it. She was plannign to divorce him and she yanked their two kids out of their school and moved them to the town she is living in, and that's what lead him to suicide. She's being not so nice at the moment. She won't let any of us take his ashes because she isn't ready yet, she isn't letting any of us take ANYTHIGN of his because "the kids come first". They are 7 and 5...my sister and Wes were really close so she's having a tough time with it. It's just a hard thing to go through. It doesn't help that I seem to be getting in trouble by my mom a lot...even before he died...and I have no idea why. But we have a pony out that was originally meant for his kids and on Thanksgiving (which I didn't even bother giving him a hug before I left, and that was the last time I saw him alive) he asked my mom to teach his kids how to ride and she said that he should, etc. But now he's gone and she's going to teach the kids how to ride. So I'm going to start playing with the pony more. Thinking about that helps...but whether we will ever see his kidgs again, who knows. His wife is doing a pretty good job of staying away for some reason. I didn't dislike her before, it wasn't her fault...really. But now she won't return anyone phone calls, she keeps doing all these weird thigns, and now she even quit her job from the money she is getting from "death benefits"...it's distrubing. She is making it very hard to like her when she keeps doign all this bizzare things and not talkign toa nyone and keeping my mom's grandkids and my neice and nephew away. But, anyways.
My mom was diagnosed with Glaucomma in 2006 and that's what really made me grow up quickly. In many ways, I almost act like the parent with my mom instead of her being the parent. lol.
Thank you again for your comment and I know it doesn't sound right at all, but as you mentioned, what do you say?--I am sorry again for your uncle. Mine had tumors a few weeks ago that really gave us a scare and I thought I was going to loose him too, thinking; "Is this jsut the BEGINNING?", but they aren't cancerous, which is very good.
Thank you again,
Randa.
Hey my cow girl what is going on? I have not heard from you in so long now. You know you can talk to me and I will listen. I think from what I have read that your brother killed himself. Is that right?
There are no magic words to say to make someone feel better. Everyone grieves in their own way. If you need someone to talk too then you know how to write to me.
With much love,
Sandy
Post a Comment